To help collect her thoughts during a very emotional time, Sherry wrote this earlier in the week while we were with Lawson in the hospital. I am very proud of her, and often challenged by her faith. I share this with you so that it might encourage someone else as it has encouraged me.
Throughout my Christian life I can look back and see how God has built and strengthened my faith in Him little by little and step by step. For me this building has been so gentle. The most painful period of growth of faith for me has been this last year. I have seen my faith tried. I have tried to depend on myself and my wisdom (or lack of it) and what I could control. In this I have failed. I have been humbled and found that only trusting Christ with my life can give peace. I am so thankful for the sweetness of trusting Christ with my future.
But I have recently not been able to shake the thought that I was so thankful that my faith had never been tried in the area of my children. I am ashamed to admit that the thought has been in my mind that I can trust you with almost everything God, but I don’t think I could trust you if it meant facing the loss of a child or watching them suffer. This is the most painful fear that this momma’s heart could possibly imagine and I just felt like there is no way I am strong enough for that.
Saturday afternoon, as I watched my oldest son have his first epileptic seizure, I thought I was watching him die. I now know after being better educated about seizures that it was not as serious as what I thought I was seeing, but at the time I thought that my strong, smart, healthy, boy was gone and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. He remained unconscious for twenty minutes after the seizure and I begged God to let him wake up again. Even as I prayed I didn’t believe that God would do it. Not that I didn’t believe he could do it, I just thought that I was so unworthy of his mercy that He wouldn’t. The fear of those 25 or so minutes was the greatest that I have ever known.
I forgot in that time of fear and panic that God has never shown me his grace and mercy because I deserved it. God didn’t save me for all eternity because I earned it. He hasn’t lovingly led me for all of my Christian life because of something good in me. He hasn’t allowed me to serve him because of anything that I am.
God is good because He is good. He shows me mercy because He loves me. I can trust him with my eternity and with this temporary life on earth because He is worthy.
I now know that my son is going to be ok. Epilepsy is scary because there are so many unknowns. But the future is unknown to each of my children, my husband, and every other person on this earth. Only God knows his plans for my son and for any of us. I can trust God with him the same today as I could before these seizures.
I never thought that I would praise the Lord for allowing me to experience what I did this weekend. But I do. Do I want to ever see my son like that again? NO! If and when it happens again will I be afraid? Absolutely! But I am so thankful for the chance to know God’s peace in a time like this. I am so grateful to have this area of my faith strengthened in ways I never imagined it could be.
As I am in the hospital for the last night watching my boy as he has just fallen asleep, the fear of another seizure is fresh on my mind. But I will trust the Lord with him tonight. I know that so many parents have been through so much worse than this. I am so humbled that the Lord is so gentle in growing my faith.